Push the door. Shake the tress. Nine ways to change your life.

It’s exam time in my house at the moment and whenever this time rolls round, I’m reminded at what it’s like for a young person facing exams. Stressful, of course for some, but a time of great limbo with uncertainty looming over them like a cloud threatening to cover the summer sunshine. Not ideal. But our young people often stroll through these times like nothing is happening.

Why?

Frankly, because they’re used to it. The first 25 years of our lives are generally full of twists and turns and resilience building experiences. Some good, some bad but the common thread amongst it all, is most certainly change. The opportunity for which as we get older, gets less and less. Happy in our status quo or settled in our lives and its accompanying rhythms it becomes scarily easy to fool ourselves into believing that we can’t do hard things.

I absolutely accept that this is a wild overgeneralisation but for the purposes of this article, have you ever thought to yourself I really want to do something but i’m scared? I’m not the sort of person to do this. I can’t do it, i’m too old or even just I haven’t got the time. Then this is the message is for you:

We are never too old or too weak or too anything to push our boundaries, even if it’s just an inch, it’s worth doing. It should always be on our agenda to challenge our thoughts, our actions, our feelings and to make a change where necessary so that we can continue to live our lives, wholly and not in the shadows of what we wanted it to be.

And, these are the some of the ways you can do it. Some small, some big, all road tested by me, Bella. The one who went to 8 different schools before she was 18, lived in 4 different countries, gave birth in 3 and re-wrote my own life story of divorce and love. I didn’t have a map, I just had an instinct.

1. The supermarket queue: Have you ever got into supermarket queue, stood there for half an hour and thought to yourself; “I always pick the wrong queue”. Well, you’re not alone. I have a terrible instinct for queues but have you ever done the opposite? Looked at the checkouts and thought to yourself - which one don’t I want to join

   and then simply join it? At the very least, you’ll know the answer to your original thought which is the exact purpose of doing it. Challenging your thoughts and then observing the outcome is a good way to change the evidence your brain is currently noticing…if you have a thought, do the opposite.

2. Let someone else take the decision for you and stick with what they say. The example? Taking my kids travelling and then saying; you tell me where we’re going even if I know the answer. Letting go of being in control is something that’s hard to practise if you’re a parent but if you start this early then the wider picture could be the start of a collaborative approach with your child. Taking control away and trusting others gives you the opportunity to focus on something else. Listening or taking in something new or dealing with the outcome of a bad decision. All of this is resilience building, you can cope when you’re not in charge and you can also cope if things don’t go well….

   
   

3. Sleeping on the opposite side of the bed. I know. Sounds random but when I was single I thought to myself - maybe I should try this. Maybe there was a totally different Bella out there whose future could only be accessed if I slept on the other side of the bed… and what I learnt from this slightly odd experiment was that I could do it, if I wanted to. I could be low grade uncomfortable and cope but overall, I was the one in charge of that decision. I didn't have to do things because I’d always done them and if we don’t test the things we always do, we’ll never really know for sure.

4. Find something that scares you and do it, even if it’s just a tiny thing. Being fearful as you get older is only natural but practising facing your fears as often as you can is healthy. Staying where it’s comfortable 100% of the time is tantamount to saying we should only ever be happy or sunny is the only type of weather worth noting. Life will always find something to scare us with so practising being scared and then discovering that we can handle it, is the key. Don’t leave this muscle practise behind until the stakes are so high, we’re having panic attacks in the corner. Start a course, make a new friend, following a passion, go to a new city, have a difficult conversation, eat alone, travel alone, learn a new skill, try a new outfit. Whatever it is. Do it.

5. Talk. Some of the things that have scared me the most but also given me the most joy, are the ideas that have come to me and i’ve immediately told everyone all about them. For me, as soon as it’s out my mouth, it has to be done. Last week I had the idea to paint our home office as a surprise for my partner who got a new job. No sooner had I opened my mouth to suggest it, I was in my painting overalls and up a ladder. I complained the WHOLE time but the end result were tears and gratitude and a new memory built in my relationship. This idea had made a difference but even better, if my idea impresses people, I’m really going to do it. One summer I was going camping with my 3 small children completely by myself…the next year? I road tripped them across Europe. I did one small thing and then I realised I could take it to the next level. Staying in your lane is just perception. Learning you can handle most things is growth.

6. “Push the door” or “shake the trees” these are the ideas that are most famous between my partner and I. When one of us has an idea or “itchy” feet we push the door…not so strongly that you’re making the decision but enough to see what doors open up. If the doors don’t open and you’re disappointed, well you know then to try harder. If they stay shut? That idea wasn’t for you. Either way, at least you tried. And if the door springs wide open? Who knows what could happen next. Life is full of opportunities. Shake the trees is similar, think of it as looking for opportunities. Send a message to a friend, make a plan, get something in the diary and then stand back and see what comes your way. Every action you make starts a reaction.

   
   

7. Drive home a new way - If you’re the sort of person that drives home the same way everyday or takes the same walking route with the dog in the evening - go the other way. Even if it’s inconvenient. If you always park in the same spot, choose a different one, always park face in? Park face out. Try it, because a small change in routine can remind us there’s a whole other world out there. New scenery, new people, even new restaurants, shake up your routines and remind yourself change is possible.

8. Do the basics - ever closed your eyes and wanted something different from your actual life? Do the basics - it sounds bland to repeat it but set the goals, find an accountability partner, do a life wheel, whatever it is, just set the intention and then watch it happen. We may have read this knowledge a thousand times but the difference comes when you follow this through with action. Think of it as the difference between doing revision and taking the exam. This is why the coaching industry is booming, we’ve been so busy consuming the content that we’ve forgotten to say it out loud and for me, I can’t say this loudly enough - Goal setting is not just for planning a dream holiday or getting that career you’ve always wanted, it’s about pushing the boundaries for YOU so that the message your brain is getting is that you cando things. It’s not thinking about what we can’t do, what we don’t have the time to do, or the finances to do or the opportunity to do. It’s about building tangible evidence that we CAN do things. So, make an achievable plan to plant a little herb garden, call your sister once a week, read 1 book a month, enjoy a date night every week and then follow it through. If you need some support with this then look for someone in your life that you trust to help you reach your goals. This doesn’t necessarily mean the people closest to you, it could be a colleague, a boss, someone you know online but ideally it should be someone you respect, someone non-judgemental and someone trustworthy who can work with you to support you with your goals.

   
   

9. And finally, let yourself dream - if you find yourself jealous of someone else’s success, it’s usually because we’re holding something back within ourselves that we’re afraid to let out. Let it go, we’re not in control of this life, what seems successful on paper could fail and vice versa, the only thing we’re in control of is trying something in the first place so give it a go…