5 things I hated as a single mum and how I overcame them...

Single Parent Day took place last weekend and I’ll be honest, it snuck up on me. I personally had no idea that a day had even been set aside to celebrate (or raise awareness) for those parents who are showing up daily not just for themselves but their kids without the support of the other person. Single parents can come from anywhere, not just people who have decided to divorce but also victims of domestic violence, refugees, widow or widowers or simply people abandoned by partners who once promised they’d be there. The list is pretty vulnerable when you read it like that.

For me, being a single parent came from complete devastation. It was not something me and my ex-husband had expected and now I’m 10 years out of it, I can see the journey was treacherous for both of us; we both did what we could to survive. For me that meant moving 3 hours down the motorway away from the father of my children and starting again. For him? Well, that’s his story to tell although I can tell you that we both did the best we could for our boys. Spending some time thinking back about the years I spent solo got me to wondering how I viewed being a single parent? Looking back at the photos I potentially viewed it as something to be overlooked and ignored until I got back to “just parenting”. Hindsight tells me this was a harsh way to view it and a harsh way to speak to myself but divorce certainly had me confronting some wounds in a bid to heal from a difficult childhood. As I walked through my single parenting era, I can clearly see I overcame many barriers and eventually thrived to be the parent I always wanted to be. A huge part of me looks back at the challenge with immense pride; Pride in myself but also pride for the family we became through it. We took our difficult time and healed together. All of us. So when I felt this week’s theme should be single parenting, I thought to myself, what should I say? Should I make it a list of things I loved? In the end, there were many. Or the things I hated? Multiple also. Despite life’s challenges I believe that there is always triumph and optimism, life is undeniably hard in many ways but clinging onto the beauty of it and seeing where you go with it, is how I choose to overcome my challenges. In the spirit of this therefore, I have decided to post the list of my most hated and how I chose to navigate them because this is how I got back to my true self. Overcoming my challenges and becoming stronger in the face of adversity.

Number 1 has to be that I hated telling people I was a single mum. In the beginning, it was so far from where I imagined myself to be that saying it out loud without a little sob in my voice was genuinely hard. As time wore on, other peoples reactions to my relationship status tended to derail my progress; I needed time to process what had happened in my personal life before I was ready to handle what other people had to say. I know there are many types of single parents out there but for me, I was likely visibly overwhelmed. I had three very young and active boys and this meant physically, it was difficult for me to do lots of things that people take for granted. Even going to the playground held challenges, I remember buying the boys bright jackets and clothing for years just so that I could see them from a distance. If I was pushing one on the swing, I could still see the others. I hunted out small playgrounds so I was never too far away. Perhaps you can imagine therefore what it might have been like for me if someone asked me where my husband was or where the boys dad was. A simple question like this instantly brought a lump into my throat, tears to my eyes. I wanted to feel confident in responding but instead of strength, I felt weak and alone. There is no doubt that I found it hard to be on a different pathway to my friends and to what I expected, so naturally it took me time to re-centre myself. The way I did this was to make sure I was surrounded by friends that understood my response and lifted me up without judgement. It cannot be said enough that the people you surround yourself with has an enormous impact on your mental health. This is never truer than when you’re facing life’s challenges because the truth is, your friends can outlive or outlast your life partner at any moment. Friendship is one of life’s true joys and I had a handful of extremely loyal and kind friends that looked after me during my single years in incredible ways. These are the people that helped me gain my strength back, rebuilt my confidence. Loved me, supported me and cheered me on. Ultimately they lifted me up until the day came when I was ready to be me again. Single or otherwise.

So I’m rebuilding my confidence and then a birthday hits or even worse - mother’s day comes. Number 2 has to be navigating big events or milestones without your significant other. This took a little trial and error for me to get right and in some ways it wasn’t the boys birthday that were the hardest to overcome. It was the moments that were private to us as a family that we didn’t acknowledge anymore that held unexpected grief for me. Birthdays belonging to my ex-husband’s family that were no longer mine to celebrate could unravel me. I’m a person that loves deeply and yet I found that my love no longer had a place to go and that was a struggle for me. Sometimes there was nothing else I could do, I had to stand on the sidelines and watch and this took time for me to make sense of. Even typing this I feel a big sense of compassion towards the version of me that was feeling pain from so many unexpected directions. The reality was, divorce is hard for all involved. The response? Well, I have to say after time, I worked out what was worth investing in and put my lost love into setting a good example for the children to follow. I wanted them to still celebrate birthdays for the people I had lost but that still remained in their lives. Their position remained the same for them. When the boys were young this looked like arranging presents for their grandparents and their dad, setting up video calls and giving them permission to enjoy them. Nowadays it’s reminders and nudges to send messages; facilitating them to show love and kindness on big days. This wasn’t a reflection on their dads ability to handle birthdays, I didn’t spend money in a way that I would have if I was still married but I did provide cards or flowers or things that showed love but in a way that felt appropriate. I wanted the boys to learn that birthdays are special and I found a way to still be me inside of this. This approach was lovingly reciprocated and if it wasn’t, then I would have considered another way forward the following year. It’s a wonderful thing to love but it’s also ok to let go sometimes. And for all the other events? Valentines day, Mother’s day, Easter, Christmas the list of events felt endless at times but each one that passed, we learnt a little bit more and the boys and I came up with new ways to do things. New beginnings, fresh new roots which is both exciting and exhausting so when I felt low, I leant into my friendships; I loved them and they loved me. This became my new relationship status.

Parenting young children has a particular structure to it and so Number 3 has to be the school holidays. Sometimes these were fun, a chance to roll around in our pyjamas eating pancakes and playing lego all day and sometimes this felt like long stretches of time without friends who might be be visiting family or going on holiday. I had an unlucky double blow of not having a family on hand for me during this time of solo parenting and so it left me slightly vulnerable to feeling lost and abandoned and languishing into oblivion on some days. A fate that needed to be avoided for all our sakes! School holidays therefore had to be prepared for, in advance but also thought through. For me personally, it had to have enough structure to get us out the house but also flexibility for me to feel like I could keep spontaneity to going if needed. A tough call. In the end, I began to make my own blueprint of what the holidays would be so that when I was looking towards the year, I had direction and therefore motivation. For example, October half term was easy; Halloween and autumn gave us all enough to do - it came hand in hand with craft afternoons, trips to creepy castles and walks in the wood. February half term though? That needed a trip away - a change of scenery even if that was just to a friend’s house, it was never a fancy holiday. May half term usually gave us the opportunity to camp which opened us up to new social connections and then the summer became a project that I thought of and saved for throughout the year. I was not a mum that could handle 6 weeks at home with 3 energetic children and so we planned adventures that I sometimes look back on and think what on earth was I doing but equally created memories that will last us a lifetime. I can’t tell you how often the only thing we ate was bread and nutella but we were incredibly lucky to be able to do these things and have this freedom. Ironically, if I had stayed married, I doubt any of this would have happened.

This point leads me nicely onto Number 4. The reason I needed to get out the house during long holidays was that one of my key struggles was staying consistent and regulated without another adult at home. This is an area that I don’t see people talking about often. How in a nuclear family, the adult might take it in turns so that if they’re having a bad day, one can take over from the other. I know this isn’t true for all so at the time I didn’t want to get bogged down into feeling sorry for myself simply because this wasn't my reality, I wanted to find a way to overcome the challenge. Having small children is hard. Having multiple children of the same gender is hard. Being human is hard. Navigating all those things at once was A LOT and some days the only way I coped was to get out the house on days or moments that it wasn’t going well. I’m not talking about the times you need to shut yourself in the bedroom for a few deep breaths, I’m talking about the days when suddenly World War III has broken loose and you need all your adult shit together. Some days I needed more. The solution? I joined a gym. Yes, it was expensive but it was hands down the best money I ever spent. I don’t go there now but even when I drive past it I throw a silent prayer of gratitude for a space that gave me the opportunity to escape. There were free classes for the kids - I might not be sporty but there were people there that could do that for me. There was a swimming pool. I’d been shocked to discover that most public pools only allow 1 adult with 3 children in at certain times? The shame I felt at being stopped with all the kids in their swimmers only to be told I couldn’t go in was palpable. So, yes, a pool we could all use? Bingo. But the best bit was, there were always other parents there, families with kids ready to play. Real life going on, no questions asked, no sense of not belonging, I paid my membership like everybody else. I felt I had a space. It was mine to use, even when my bank account was dangerously near zero, I could go, we could get out and everybody felt happier for it.

You might be wondering by now if I managed to work during this time of child rearing and the answer is mixed; I worked when I could and when I couldn’t, I trained for my future work. Number 5 on my most hated list is rightfully fears around money. Of all the struggles I faced during this time in my life, my financial situation was fortunately consistent and I would undoubtedly highlight this as one of the key markers to my survival and success. This wasn’t just down to me, my ex-husband and I both did what we could. However, this did not stop me from fearing the worst, what if something in the house broke? What if the car stopped working? What if I never get enough time to work again? My fears were sometimes for me and my long term future but mostly for the children. Sometimes my brain would loop and even now, I still find myself worrying about wasting money. For some ridiculous reason with three children, buying the same thing three times over was jarring for me so I didn’t think twice about asking the kids to share drinks or leaving the house with a picnic, even now I’ll buy a box of ice-creams from the supermarket over an individual ice cream from the van. Not every time but enough times to give me a sense of peace that I was doing the best I could. That kind of attitude is what saved me from leaning into a negative narrative that my children couldn’t have treats or I was in someway not able to give them enough. Small changes that barely made a difference to a young child but gave me a sense of winning in some way - I still get a thrill now when I see my kids thinking outside the box about how to save money. I hope it’s something I’ve instilled in them for life, I believe there is often value in saying no, not just for us but for the children that are watching. Overall, money fears are like anything else, if you ignore them they get bigger, if you talk about them you get the opportunity to hear what other people think. I noticed that when I did this, the responses I got were surprising and I learnt that lots of people are struggling in some way or another. This wasn’t unique to me just because I was doing it alone and recognition of this gave me a quiet peace. There is often a compromise when it comes to paying for children but frankly and honestly put, we’re all just winging it.

I hope my five things written in black and white and delivered to you, the reader, might in some way help you to think of your own five things or maybe nudge you to think of other perspectives. If you’re looking for my advice? Talk about the things that hurt you, share your experiences with those that love you, grieve your losses and own your future. It’s the only way forward in life. For everything….

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