The do's and don't's of photographs - post divorce (child edition)

Let’s set the scene; the divorce has been decided on, the initial shock or relief (or both) has settled and you’re now looking round your family home thinking…what on earth do I do with all these memories? Maybe you’ve even moved house and you’re wondering how to build a new home, without the familiar pictures smiling out at you - every picture you had now holds a story that’s become too painful to look at…

Whatever situation you’re in - hopefully this do/don’t list will hold something to guide you.

Don’t - snatch the photos down from around the house in a moment of grief or anger. The urge to do this can be overwhelming and it makes complete sense, after all these images can feel like a painful presence in your own home. But divorce is change enough for everyone living through it and tearing photos from the walls can be destabilising for you, as well as confusing or even frightening for your children. If one parent is suddenly absent, removing the photographs on top of this can lead to even more questions and fears than you’re already coping with. Keeping the same routines and having 'home' look the way everyone expects it to, can create a sense of safety and reassurance for the whole family. However much you're hurting, a gentler transition tends to be less overwhelming - shifting pictures to a less visible spot is a good place to start.

Do - think about printing some new pictures. These don’t necessarily have to be put in frames; pictures that can be stuck on the fridge or propped up somewhere can give you a visual reminder to boost you on a bad day. Despite what you’re going through, there are still moments of happiness to be found and keeping focussed on this can bring us through a difficult time. Next time you’re out with the kids, take a picture of anything that’s made you smile and print it, a picture of a walk to the park or an ice cream can capture small moments of joy. Pictures of friends who are supportive can also help. This isn’t a revenge project that says look at me, I’m so happy. It’s the long game that says I am valuable and I can create happiness for myself.

Don’t - throw all the old pictures away. Divorce is a grieving process and although nothing may seem more satisfying than shredding the pictures of the very person who caused our pain, resist the temptation as much as you can. As annoying as it is to write this, we have to feel the pain to recover and putting photos away in a safe box might be less satisfying, but it will also give you the opportunity to access those memories in the future. It may even give our children the chance to view their parents as they once were, even if the relationship was a disaster. Your relationship is part of their childhood…you don’t know what that photo might mean to them (or you) in the coming years and you’ll never know if you destroy them.

Do - replace the pictures slowly. By this I mean if you’ve stayed in the family home and you’re itching to clear out the old pictures, try to do it in stages. This could even reflect the stages of the divorce process itself, for example - the intimate photos come down first, then the family ones, finally followed by replacing them with new photos of your family set up now…no matter what happens in a divorce, treating all the married years as a taboo subject, can prevent us from healing in the long run. In particular, hold the family photos with care when talking to the children about them, listen to what they have to say - they’re trying to make sense of the situation too. Making space for your child to share their memories is a really valuable process, it’s sometimes forgotten that there are more than two people in a divorce - your children have walked this path with you so the main objective here, is to not shut off big areas of time from yours or your children’s stories. No-one should have the power to take our memories from us.

Don’t - erase the other parent from the entire house. This one can feel controversial but even if your spouse has committed adultery and stolen all your money, if you can bear it, don’t remove every last trace of them. That person is still your child’s parent and letting them keep a picture in their room that feels special, gives them permission to carry on loving them. Especially if one parent is now absent. Divorce is an extremely confusing time for a child, often full of questions and anxieties but the one question you don’t want your child to ask is - will it upset my parent if I still love the other one? They’re now in a very different relationship with both their parents and they need support in navigating this. Divorce is not the trauma, it’s how we handle it that makes the difference and modelling this emotional maturity sets a good example for our children of how to handle their own relationships in the future.

Do - keep joint memories and use photos as a way to keep their experiences alive. My own children were small when we divorced but the holiday photos from the ones we did have together, remained on the wall. Not the family ones but the snapshot of the pony ride on the beach or a day at the seaside, demonstrate that it’s ok for the children to talk about the things that happened when you were all together. Sharing their feelings and memories, happy or sad is an important part of a child working out who they are. Don’t be afraid to share appropriate emotions with them about the photos if it comes up, I’m not talking about sobbing over the steering wheel on the way to swimming, I’m talking about the emotions our children can understand…“I loved that day” or “I feel a bit sad when I look at that” or even “I’m a bit scared to take this photo down” can offer our children the example that it’s ok to have feelings and open up space for them to share theirs with you. Bite-sized, controlled emotions, not blame, can feel like a relief to share but be sure to let them know that they don’t have to take responsibility for whatever emotion you’re feeling.

Don’t put your feelings above your child’s in every situation but do think about your own mental health. Divorce can be extremely painful for the adults involved and it’s right that you give yourself time to process this. Photographs are a visual reflection of who we are, where we’ve come from and what we value in life so they can be an emotive reminder of things we have lost; hopes and dreams that may now be shattered. In a quiet moment balance up what feels more difficult for you - the absence of a picture that’s been on the wall for a long time or the overwhelming presence of a face that you likely want to be distanced from. There’s no right or wrong answer but my advice to you, is to take your time. Don’t try and do it all in one day, divorce is a process…why not take a look at this list, let the information settle in and then start on a plan.

You’ve got this and if you don’t - you know where I am. x