When divorce is not just between a husband and wife...

I expect therapists across the land are mulling over the Beckham scandal right now. I, for one, feel desperately sad to see this type of conflict played out in a public forum; A young person isolated from his family can of course be liberating for a child that is seeking to make their own way in the world. Yet equally terrifying for a young adult if family is all they’ve known. The Beckham family split seems from the outside, a painful place to be and especially triggering for me as something I have very personal experience with. This post could go many ways…

What’s on my mind today however, is to share something of my fears for future generations and the narrative around mental health. I have a growing sense that for all the effort we’re putting into growing our self awareness, we’re forgetting to grow resilience in our young people, normalising regular human relationships. Regular seasons in our lives and regular upsets. By this, I metaphorically mean, I’m worried that we are teaching our children all the names of the flowers in the garden but neglecting to say to them that there will always be seasons that have to be endured. Despite the joy that spring and summer can bring, there is always a necessity for autumn and winter and as we all know; Winter can be hard.

At this point, I would like to assure you, I’m not defending abusive behaviour, I absolutely encourage people to reach out to others about things they don’t understand or find to be abusive and obviously none of us know the true details of what happened between Brooklyn Beckham and his parents. What I do know though is that relationships thrive with getting through hard times. Hard times that we shouldn’t be afraid of and I can’t help but feel defensive enough to say that we’re all guilty of perpetrating at times. Difficult behaviour that although shouldn’t be accepted as the norm but that I hope could at least be tolerated by those we love. How many tricky mother-in-laws, for example, have gone on to be doting grandmothers years down the line? How many of us would prefer to be remembered for the things we did well and not vilified for the things we didn’t get right. Hard to correct if we’ve already walked away, losing the chance to exist amongst the rich complexity of a deeply loving and real relationship.

This may seem to be a strange article to write from a divorce coach and a pioneer for young people but I guess what I’m trying to say, is that I’m a supporter of being human; both the good and messy sides and I would welcome more voices normalising authentic relationships. How can you possibly know what makes you happy if you do all you can to avoid being unhappy? How can one human be empathetic for another persons journey, if you don’t spend long enough in your own to truly appreciate where you are? Indeed, how can you appreciate the sun if you don’t know about the rain.

Going back to the original image, I’m fearful that we could be guilty of forgetting to tell our children that while two flowers may be beautiful, sometimes one needs to be planted away from the other in order to thrive. Sometimes one plant may outgrow its spot all together but this does not mean that they have to leave the garden for good or that the garden has become a dangerous place to be. It can simply mean that there’s a need for change and in fact this is what therapy is for. Supporting a client to find their boundaries and then teaching them how to communicate it. I like to think that those that love us will always look for ways to support and respect our boundaries or at least develop curiosity, thus deepening our connection and giving us the confidence that our needs can be met. Without this essential depth to our education, I’m scared about the life we’re promoting for young people, a life that could hold unrealistic standards that just like a Tik Tok video, if we don’t like it, we can simply swipe on.

Let me know your thoughts!

Bella.